Let me start by stating for the record that I am NOT a chef. Never have been, but have dreams and aspirations of becoming one. However, at the age of 38 with two young children both under 7 a black Labrador puppy aged 9 months and a wife to support, the idea of me taking a couple of years ‘off’ to train and fulfil my dream is about as likely as Michelle Pfeiffer coming to my front door dressed in only a fur coat black stilettos saying…’Hey big boy, chuck it up me I’m daft!’ It’s a nice dream, but unlikely to happen.
No, the reason for penning this saga is to try to share with you some of the basic facts of life.
FACT 1
Namely, if you can cook reasonable food you WILL get laid. Period! Definitely! Fact-a-mondo! Even if you have a face that resembles a welder’s tool bag, cook a tasty presentable meal, a person of the female persuasion WILL have sex with you!!!! I know because it has happened to me.
I also felt the need to write this ditty, because so many of my friends who come round for dinner are put off attempting to cook because of what they see on TV. Some super chef going on about hand reared, corn fed guinea fowl, filleted and stuffed with the finest Italian truffles, frois gras and a little splash of Pernod. They tell you in a patronising way….’Just ask your local butcher to fillet the Guinea fowl for you….’
Can you imagine going into your local supermarket, going up to the butcher and asking for that?
‘Umm…I’d like a fresh hand reared guinea fowl filleted and stuffed with fresh Italian Truffles please’
‘Whit?’
‘Umm…I’d like a fresh hand reared guinea fowl filleted and stuffed with fresh Italian Truffles please’
‘Really?’
‘Aye’
‘Listen ya wee prick, the only thing that’s gonna get stuffed in hear is you when ma size 10 get’s right up your arse! Here’s a pound of mince now fuck off!!’
Now I really admire these TV Chefs, I really do, but some one ought to give them a pound coin so they can get a taxi back to reality. Most of us myself included have no idea what a Guinea Fowl is. Also, if I owned a bottle of Pernod, my big brother would beat me half to death! They seem to assume that we all have fillet knifes, carving knifes etc etc. When I was a student, the only decent knife we had in the flat was a bread knife. It served as a knife to spread on butter, cut up corned beef and stir our attempts at chilli con carne.
FACT 2
You do not need a mixing bowl. A pan will do. The bigger the better!! Doh!
There are 31 recipes in this book. All simple to achieve. All made with basic ingredients. All the ingredients have come from the cheapest supermarkets in the UK. Failing that, they have come from ‘Own brand’ products by the big 3. The idea behind this book is to get you to try to cook with a bit of confidence. You might enjoy it. You WILL get laid.
PIZZA
Ahhh!.... The humble pizza. Real man food. What can I say, easy to make, looks great, always, yes always gets a….’you didn’t make this yourself did you?’ ‘I did actually. What you do is get some plain flour, some yeast, some STOP!!...What are you doing?.... At this point the lady in question does not want to hear how you make pizza dough. She doesn’t want to know how long you leave it to prove.(this I’ll come to later), nor does she want to know how you made your topping. What she does want in my experience is YOU!..Oh! yes, she wants your purple veined womb ferret burrowing deep into her quivering mound of love pudding so to speak! You have got to learn to read the signs. Don’t however jump to conclusions. Just because you can master a recipe does not mean that you WILL automatically get laid then and there, but given time you will. Difficult concept to get but hey you are dealing with women! My friend Colin mastered this recipe, presented it to his lady friend, popped out of the room for a second only to reappear buck naked in his full raging glory. He muttered the immortal line…’Hey baby. I’ve treated you like a lady all night, how’s about you make me glad to be a man?’
The lady in question had just put a segment of pineapple in her mouth, I think he was doing Hawian that night, when in shock she stared choking. Colin heroically performed the Highman manouver, only for her to get up, punch him on the end of his cock, call him a weirdo and told everyone at work about him!!
Anyways on to the pizza. This really takes seconds to make, but a while to prepare. Confused? Good. Pizza Dough, like bread has to Prove. That means that once prepared, you have to leave it for about an hour or so for it to be perfect. You can use it straight away, but left for a while it gets better. Also if you have 3 good lady friends who are up for a laugh you get to feel real tits!! Honest. Requirements are one lady friend with small but firm boobs. One with Meduim sized knockers. And finally one with bresticals that invite you to go flubba flubba flubba. This is all part of the proving process. They will know this because their Nan will have told them that bread dough has to prove. They won’t know what that means, but because they believe their Nan above all others you are in with a chance of feeling real life knockers.
Ingredients
1 Pint Plain Flour
¼ Pint Water
1 Table Spoon Fast Acting Yeast
3 Table Spoon Sugar
1 Table Spoon Salt
3 Lady Friends
2 Bottles Wine
1 Tin Chopped Tomatoes/Passata Sauce
Cheese
Ham/Sweetcorn/Mushroom etc
Pour Plain flour into pint pot. Empty into mixing bowl/large pot. Add yeast/sugar/salt. Stir in. Add water. Mix together. You will need to mush together using you hands. Once mushed into sticky blob, remove from pot/bowl. Place onto clean spot on table/work top. Remember to put flour on work top/table otherwise the dough will stick to it and cause a hell of a mess. Knead the dough. Ie Push down and away for about five minutes, folding it in on itself. The mixture should start to firm up. Roll into a ball. It should be about the size of an American Soft ball. Open bottles of wine and give to lady friends.
Lady Friend 1. The dough should feel like her Boobs. Firm, not much give, but hey not bad.
Cover dough with a tea towel. Place in warm airing cupboard to quicken process. After half an hour take out, remove tea towel.
You will see that the magic boob fairy has been at work and the dough has started to rise.
Lady Friend Two. The dough should feel like her Boobs. A little give. Soft to the touch. Nice. Very nice. Give more wine to lady friends.
Cover dough with a tea towel. Place in warm airing cupboard to quicken process. After half an hour take out, remove tea towel. Once again, the magic boob fairy has visited you. Oh my you have been good.
Lady Friend Three. If you have followed the instructions to the letter, the lady friends should by now have finished most of the wine. Lady friend number three will by now have grown inpatient. When you present the dough she will whip up her top grab you by the back of the neck shove your head into her cleavage and shoogle her boobs in your face!....Nice, God bless the Italians!
At this point you will have to knead the dough again. This will shrink the dough back down in size. Cut in half. Roll into two balls. Use empty wine bottle as rolling pin. Roll out to about 7 inches. Cut tin foil to size. Wipe with oil. Tissue paper/ bog roll (not used) dipped in oil wipe around foil. Place dough on foil. Nip edge of dough to form a lip. Add chopped Tomatoes/passata
Sauce. Any other fillings you like. Cover with grated cheese. Put in hot oven for 8 Minutes Hey presto.
Back to our Lady friends. Number three will pissed off that you have reduced the size of the dough. She will be thinking that you don’t like her. She will make big efforts to woo you. Number one will have been pissed off, as she thought that you did not like small boobs, but now that she has seen you reduce the size of the dough back down to her original size, she will be thinking….’Oh, what a lovely guy. Not stereotypical at all. They are all wrong about him…’ Number two will be thinking…’Well he obviously does not go for large boobs, which is good, but mine are not as small as hers. Hmm…my bum is better than hers though….’
In short gentleman, by following the simple instructions for making Pizza you can and will have not one, not two, but three attractive lady’s fighting over you. Their friends will hear. You , despite being geekily ugly will become the must have shag. Men will look at you and think, Fuck, he must be hung like a horse. Only you will know the truth.